Suicide Blonde (1999)
Review by HTQ4
Film:
DVD:

Features:

• Behind the Blonde making of featurette
  
• Running audio commentary by the cast and crew
  
• Storyboard gallery
  

My Advice: Skip it

Nick (Paris) is down on his luck. He's working as the valet parking attendant at a strip club. He can't seem to score a date with any of the strippers no matter how hard he tries. However, when he loses the car belonging to the Cuban mob--in an incident involving the titular psychotic blonde (Boris, no pun intended) and her scumbug boyfriend Scorpion (Moore)--his life goes downhill pretty quick. He winds up on these guys' hit list. He and the blonde then find themselves from the car's owner (Pacheco), who wants them six different ways of dead.

This is just a bad movie, but I guess the saving grace is that it could have been worse. The script is not Shakespeare, but at least the story is interesting enough to keep you with it. The acting is horrible, but what did you expect from a movie where the plot revolves around a hot blonde chick and a valet attendant named Nick? It does take a little while to set itself up and it tries to wrap itself up with the details of the plot rather than just getting to the action of the movie--which might have helped it.

The whole DVD just feels like a movie that some frat brothers made somewhere. The Behind the Blonde featurette starts out with some of the audition footage of Angel Boris and Dale Paris...all with some really bad titles thrown on top to make it feel like they actually thought about this stuff. After that, it just gets worse. I was hoping that the commentary track would be a little bit better, but I was disappointed. It's great that they got a bunch of the old guys together to record said track, but the audio quality is absolutely horrible. Even though you can hear everyone okay, it sounds like they are recording it on a cheap Radio Shack tape deck in someone's bathroom. Not only that, but large parts of the movie are without commentary. They do come out with some neat information, but for the most part, it too feels like a frat party. The storyboards are pretty funny because they look like someone's drawings from the cartoon adaptation of the movie. Not really quality stuff there.

To add insult to injury, the film's released in full-frame anyway. So this DVD stays off the rental list. If you see it sitting on the shelf, just remember: it hasn't been checked out for a reason.