The House of Clocks (1989)
Review by Doc Ezra
Film:
DVD:

Written by Gianfranco Clerici, Lucio Fulci, and Daniele Stroppa
Directed by Lucio Fulci
Starring Paolo Paolini, Bettina Milne, Carla Cassola, and Al Cliver

Features:

• New uncut transfer
  
• Talent bios
  
• Interviews with Paolo Paoloni and Carla Cassola
  

Rating: NR, suitable for 17+

Anamorphic: Yes

My advice: Hurl it violently against a convenient wall

Fans of the horror genre are forever hearing about how magnificent and brilliant and ground-breaking the European horror film scene is, particularly the Italian horror scene. If The House of Clocks, from one of the most lauded European horror directors, is indicative of this “brilliant” Italian film scene, I’m here to tell you the rumors of their greatness are vastly exaggerated. Any notion that this film is somehow a superior horror effort than anything recently staged in Hollywood is absolute bollocks. This isn’t to say that Hollywood horror is excellent – too much the opposite, actually – but that the Italian horror world is more than capable of producing absolute crap.

The story is simple, if goofily contrived – a trio of young people, driven to thievery and violent crime by their use of mid-grade reefer (qua?), go cruising the Italian countryside looking for a house to rob. They select a posh villa in the middle of nowhere, occupied by elderly couple Vittorio and Sara. Unfortunately for our half-baked thieves, Vittorio and Sara happen to be barking mad killers themselves, with a niece and nephew spiked to slabs in a spare room, and a maid buried in the garden.

When things go bad and the kids kill both the couple and their groundskeeper, the old man’s collection of clocks begins running backwards. Over the course of the evening, the dead come back to life, some die again, some sex is had, reefer is smoked, and a great deal of animal abuse is perpetrated. And absolutely no sense is made whatsoever. The stupid “twist” in the final moments seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. The film essentially has no coherent plot except to contrive a series of reasons to show someone’s intestines spilling out.

Aside from concerns of story, there are the issues of production. The acting is, without exception, facking awful. Given the script, I’m not surprised a more talented crop of actors weren’t available, but I’ve seen scream queens with better emotional range. Beyond acting, there are lame effects, bad lighting, unremarkable camera work, and no editing to speak of. Essentially, other than the successful use of timepieces as a creepy mood-setting device, I can’t figure out what was done well or correctly. This is just a bad film, period.

The DVD gives no further reason to add the film to your collection. It includes a couple of interviews with cast members, who seem to believe that Fulci’s film is a work of horror genius, but I’m not seeing it, kids. Perhaps a director’s commentary would have helped, but I’m not convinced. The film’s transfer looks good, but the audio sounds like it was recorded with cotton wadding over the microphones. Strange, given that the whole thing is dubbed.

In short, stay away. Don’t let a pretentious horror-film snob convince you that because it’s Italian, it’s better. Though I suppose you could always keep a copy of this one around to dismantle such arguments.