A Tale of a 121 Pound Daisy

Daisy the St. Bernard

We’ve all had days like this: you’ve gone a certain distance, but your legs hurt and you really feel like you can’t go any further. But then again, we’ve never been a 121 pound St. Bernard up Scafell Pike, highest mountain in England.

I understand your confusion. St. Bernards don’t get stuck up mountains and need rescuing. Instead, this is supposed to happen:

The Wasdale Mountain Rescue Team dispatched sixteen people, who took five hours to get the massive puppy in question, Daisy, down the mountain and to safety. 

Daisy was fine once she got to the bottom of the mountain. The Team was probably fine once they had taken some ibuprofen and a couple of pints.

Image: Wasdale Mountain Rescue Team.

Bill & Ted’s Self-Time Heist

William Sadler as Death from Bill and Ted Face the Music, enjoying some crafty

I may be considered a heretic, but I don’t care. (Have I ever?) I actually enjoyed Bogus Journey just slightly more than Excellent Adventure…mostly because of William Sadler’s portrayal of Death. So all that mattered to me was that he was returning for Face the Music. (This pic is from Ed Solomon’s Twitter, featuring the man himself enjoying some crafty on set.) The latest trailer is here:

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New Mutants Offers Footage to Prove It Actually Exists

New Mutants: The Motion Picture

I honestly thought that about two minutes into the New Mutants Comic-Con@Home panel, they were going to just decide FUCK IT and stream the movie out to everyone watching from home.

This did not happen.

However, they showed the first couple of minutes plus a final trailer that appears to show a LOT of Mr. Demon Bear. Check it out for yourself: 

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Soundtracking the Apocalypse

28 Days Later Empty London

During this time of global crisis, I work from home–and it’s amazing I can do that because my boss is a total asshole. I try not to leave the house, and I realize I’m lucky I can manage that. But when I do go out, I try to do something to keep my mind focused on the task at hand–namely doing what I need to do and getting home safe. Whether you go out rarely, or if you’re stuck having to go out for your own job, here’s the one safety tip a pop culture site can offer you.

I make a point of choosing some appropriately apocalyptic/dystopian music for the journey. Why? Well, as I’ve said elsewhere: if we simply taught more horror and science-fiction in schools, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now. Because those genres, perhaps more than any others, teach you to A) respect the evil invisible whatever-the-hell-it-is that wants to kill you and 2) distrust authority. And also III) it’s the people that usually get you killed in those sorts of things. So to remind myself of that as I go along, I pick a soundtrack that will put me in that mindset.

Here are some that I have road-tested during the pandemic and how effective they can be in your arsenal of sounds for the apocalypse.

Wait. Before I do, here’s one safety tip, both for this apocalypse and countless others.

In the upcoming Walking Dead After School Special spinoff, World Beyond, one of the characters, named Silas, wears headphones around his neck. In one of the trailers (which I couldn’t find just now…but there are about seventeen to wade through), he’s shown putting the headphones on.

Walking Dead World Beyond Silas and his Headphones

Please do not wear headphones during a zombie apocalypse. Same thing goes for a pandemic apocalypse. You can’t hear a zombie come up behind you, nor can you hear some coughing idiot without a mask come up behind you. Honestly, if that kid is still alive at the end of the first episode, I will not be able to take that show seriously.

The Omega Man soundtrackFirst up, an amazing filmed version of Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend. It’s not faithful to the book, but it does give us Anthony Zerbe and some monks, it’s 70s-tastic, and Charlton Heston being Charlton Heston. The Omega Man. If you haven’t seen it, please do. Some notes.

It opens, like the film does, with “A Summer Place”–which I think might be one of the most versatile pieces of music ever created. Then you get into the score by Ron Grainer proper, which is quite good. It’s punctuated by furious, obviously 70s runs of vibraphones and strings, and at times seemingly random peals of the Cowbell of Doom (or whatever that sonically altered sounding bell thing was supposed to be). This is actually a very effective apocalypse trip soundtrack because if you’ve seen the film (and you really should–it’s just $2 on Amazon Prime Video), you can picture Heston in his gigantic boat of a car driving through the empty streets. And that Cowbell of Doom will also remind you to stay alert for danger. If you want to sample the period goodness, try the version of “All Through the Night.” 

You can find it on Spotify. Or snag it for yourself from Amazon. 

Next we come to Colossus: The Forbin Project, with a score by Michel Colombier. Long before Skynet was cool, there was Colossus: a supercomputer designed to protect America. And…well, you can deduce where things go from there. While this is a great score, it is less suitable for apocalypse wanderings. And yes, it is still a gloriously dated score, though while listening to it I got less of the feeling than I did with the above Grainer score. Indeed, some tracks I wondered if I had flipped over to a 70s cop TV show score. It seems to bounce around genres.

As a result, it’s not as effective. I rate it 2 out of 5 VHS copies of WarGames.

It’s available on CD from La La Land Records.

David Bowie OutsideNext, one of my favorite David Bowie albums: 1. Outside. Yes, I leave the one at the beginning of the title because I had always hoped for a continuation of the story. Even with Bowie gone, I still hope that whatever they had lying around will get released. The album is…weird as hell. A dystopian, bleak future world in which a crime has been committed and our “hero?” Nathan Adler is trying to decide if it’s art or not. I think that’s what it’s about, anyway. Regardless, it is a choice album filled with Bowie doing the characters in different voices. The sample I put over there is the Trent Reznor remix of “The Heart’s Filthy Lesson,” which is available on the extended edition of the album but I had to originally get as a B-side off a single (kids, ask your parents). It is perfect for keeping the mood of existential dread necessary to stay save while going to the grocery store in a pandemic world.

As an apocalypse soundtrack, I rate it 5 out of 5 spiders from Mars. 

It’s available (in the Expanded Edition apparently just on MP3) from Amazon or you can listen via Spotify

Run The Jewels 4Not the album we deserve, but certainly the album we need. RTJ3 was my favorite album of 2016, and RTJ4 is going to rank at least very high on the list if not at the top. They had no idea what state the world was going to be in when they put this together, but you’d think they did based on how well this works as an apocalypse soundtrack. This isn’t exactly post-apocalyptic, but it’s perfect to listen to while going down in the handbasket. It’s perfect to drive around to, and it has just enough balance of smirk and fury to keep you on your toes. And bits of it are devastating. I don’t know what Mavis Staples can win for her appearance on the sample track here, “pulling the pin,” but Jesus, she needs to win something.

As a soundtrack for screaming along with the apocalypse, I rate it 5 out of 5 Buick Grand Nationals.

You can snag it via their site.

More soundtracking will occur because I think we’re in this for the long haul. Stay safe out there. Only wear headphones when it won’t kill you to do it. And wear a goddamn mask. 

Staying In With Vienna Shorts

Cooped up inside like the rest of the world, I found myself doing the same things everyone else was doing: puzzles, books, listening to music, and watching loads of TV and film. As I juggled streaming options, old black and white films, and monster movies I was pretty excited to get an online pass for Vienna Shorts 2020.

Held from May 28th to June 2 and featuring over 280 short films from around the world, there was a lot to dig into. One of the things I love about short films is that they force their creators to channel their creativity into delivering a story that doesn’t drag on or suffer from heavy editing by a studio. They are raw, they are inventive and, thankfully, they are able to be digested in short bites, allowing the viewer to come and go as they want.

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Please Stand By

Puppy Jinn, describing the state of the world

The world is experiencing a pandemic of COVID-19, the United States is experiencing an epidemic of racist assholes – and, the way this year is going – giant squid will roll out of the oceans in tank-like warcraft and shortly begin their conquest of the land.

Not trying to compare anything, but just to advise why we’ve gone dormant for the moment: at the TechoCave compound, we’ve experienced a major power outage, a critical hard drive failing, and Jinn’s back right leg getting screwed up. We will try to get our usual distractions from real life back up and running shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy this hold music.