Vicious Lips (1988) – Adverse Video Review

Vicious Lips movie poster

Have you ever wondered if there were more three-boob alien prostitute movies besides Total Recall? Well, you’re in luck!

When reading the description on Netflix for Vicious Lips, I got excited! I got so excited because I thought that finally I was going to get a live-action Jem. Not just that–I thought that I was going to get Jemin space!

The premise for the movie is that an unknown space-glam-rock-all-girl-band gets their “big break” to play at a very well-known venue, “Radioactive Dreams,” on the other side of the Galaxy. The only catch? It’s on the other side of the galaxy, they need a ride, and a new lead singer. Doesn’t it sound awesome? I mean…look at the movie poster!

No, no wait. Just wait. Wait right here, because this is where I dash your hopes and warn you–even though no one warned me. No, you don’t get Jem in space! Not even close! Instead, you get a movie that was good only for the first twenty-six minutes.

Honestly, the only thing keeping me watching this was the thought of the awesome nap I was going to have afterward…that, and random boobies.

(more…)

Arena (1989) – Adverse Video Review

Arena VHS

Made in 1988, released to video stateside in 1991 for your viewing pleasure, welcome to Arena!

This futuristic proto-Real Steel, which has one of the best handicap-systems for boxing ever, is a movie all 1980s film aficionados must see!

On a space station where anything that’s bedazzled or covered in lamé fabric obviously makes it futuristic, the intergalactic pastime is to watch alien “gladiators” box/sumo wrestling/UFC fight/slap flight. All right, I know it sounds confusing, and the story line behind the boxing matches (which you crave more of throughout the movie) seems to get in the way of this Rocky in space–but it is a really neat idea for a sport!

The sport is kind of a mix between Rock’em Sock’em Robots (because the aliens fighting each other are bastard children of Rahzar and Tokka from TMNT2, a grasshopper, and Maurice from Little Monsters minus being blue, and well, minus being robots too) Sumo wresting (because the singular purpose of each fighter is to toss their opponent out of the ring twice before they can declare victory) and slap fighting (because there’s a lot of slapping going on and sometimes not enough fist punching).

Witness some of this mayhem:
(more…)

High Spirits (1988) – Adverse Video Review

High Spirits movie poster

1988 was a great year for films. It was the year of Rain Man, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Big, Coming to America, Die Hard and High Spirits? I bet you are thinking to yourself, “Wow, I don’t think I have seen this.” Now go to the bottom of this article and read the cast line up and then ask yourself this question: “Have I seen this movie?”

High Spirits is one of those 1980s films that dance the line between obscure and “Man, I know I have seen this on TNT.” It has a cast (Daryl Hannah, Peter O’Toole, Steve Guttenberg, a pre-boob job Jennifer Tilly, Beverly D’Angelo, Peter Gallagher, a very skinny Liam Neeson, and more) that makes you wonder whether or not you have actually seen this movie. Ladies and gents, this film rides that fine line so often that the Blockbuster by my house doesn’t even carry it. In fact, I have tried for a while to find it at local stores and finally broke down and ordered it online.

For those of us that don’t ride the “maybe-train” but bought a ticket on the “This-is-awesome-train-o-wacky-ghost-antics”–the answer is yes: it is the one parked next to the Ghostbusters 2-train—you remember how amazingly hilarious and heart warming this Metro Goldwyn Mayer film is. From fake ghosts, to ghosts that want love, sex, and their castle back, High Spirits is one of those films from the 1980s that keeps you coming back for more.

(more…)

Warriors of the Wasteland – Adverse Video Review

Warriors of the Wasteland movie poster

1982 was apparently a great year for crappy movies to find their way over to American soil. To truly understand the meaning behind the rating of this film just remember “The One’s” most important line from Warriors of the Wasteland: “It’s against the rules to interrupt me!…Now Go! Hate and Exterminate!”

This film pits a death-squad called “The Templars” against “The Scorpion,” a former Templar who wishes to live in peace…in a desert nuclear-post-apocalyptic future in the year 2019 A.D just after 1970s synthesized music made its way out of mainstream movies and into porn.

While the potshots at handle-mustache-wearing-renegade-soldiers-from-Spaceballs makes the first few minutes and the first of NINE (count ’em) dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome (why does it have a dome again?) car chase scenes remotely bearable. The other EIGHT dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car–oh and metal skull as a dashboard ornament (can’t forget that)–chase scenes and lack of plot, aren’t all that bearable.

Seriously, how many bad car chase scenes without explosions does a movie really need, if it isn’t Dukes of Hazzard? Really, are you serious? You really want me to like ALL NINE of the NINE dune buggy/golf cart/mustang-with-a-dome car chase scenes and not fast-forward through them?

(more…)

My Stepmother is an Alien – Adverse Video Review

My Stepmother is an Alien movie poster art

Jimmy Durante by far is one of the best musicians to come out of America. In fact, every single time I hear him sing, it makes me think of at least one movie in particular: My Stepmother is an Alien.

Now, I know you are probably wondering “Why this connection?”

Have you ever had the feeling that you had some sort of connection to a film from your childhood that you just can’t seem to get away from? That one film that makes you think about your childhood and go “Yeah, that was a great moment.” As silly as this may be, for me that film was My Stepmother is an Alien.

The story goes like this: the first film that I ever saw by myself in the theaters just after sneaking out of school (sorry Mom) was this film. Granted the movie did come out in 1988, and I was still but a wee lass, the film was always being re-shown at the local dollar theater a few blocks away from where I went to summer school. (On a sidebar: Take you hats off to the Dollar Movie Theaters around the U.S.A. they work their butts off to give us cheap entertainment…pause for a moment of silence and a sip of whatever you may be drinking.)

(more…)