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Stimuli

Crisis on Infinite Cards

Widge
March 28, 2014
5 min read

Comic Book Cards Against Humanity
Cards Against Humanity with the added send-you-to-hell goodness of Crabs Adjust Humidity

So like many of you, we enjoy playing Cards Against Humanity. It’s horrible, it’s wrong, it’s like Mad Libs reworked by Eli Roth, and it’s terrific fun to watch two generations of a family playing it. (Trust me. Hee-larious.) We have all the expansion packs as well. We even bought the unofficial, unauthorized, uninterested-in-paying-for-your-therapy Crabs Adjust Humidity expansion sets.

Like many of you as well, we can’t help but think of our own cards (and, indeed, blank cards are provided for you to vent your unholy misbegotten spleen upon). I started thinking along the lines of a common theme–comic books, mostly of the Big Two/spandex variety–and once I got started, I couldn’t stop. I’m very sorry. But here’s the result. Feel free to use where and how you see fit.

(Note: Bear in mind, this isn’t meant to be standalone but these would be mixed in with the real decks. So yes, the really bad cards in the existing decks would go with these. Yes, especially the one you’re thinking of right now. Don’t have the games yet? Want to get acquainted with brain bleach? Buy Cards Against Humanity here and Crabs Adjust Humidity here.)

Update: And Doc Ezra showed up to throw a productivity grenade into the room.

[ad#rightpost]White Cards:

  • Feral Wolverine’s missing nose.
  • Spiking your friend’s inhaler with Terrigen Mists.
  • Batman’s secret plan to take me down.
  • Whatever it is that fills the DCU with magic and technology but still couldn’t get Barbara out of that fucking chair.
  • Galactus using Mysterio’s head in a giant pachinko machine.
  • Emma Frost’s package when Frank Quitely draws her.
  • Using the Speed Force on your girlfriend’s sex toy.
  • Ron Marz, stuffed in a fridge.
  • The closest Latverian consulate.
  • Unstable molecules.
  • Another goddamn crossover.
  • Ultimate Obnoxio the Clown.
  • Bungee jumping with Gwen Stacy.
  • NFL SuperPro.
  • The Punisher punching a polar bear.
  • Whatever Ben Grimm hides in his shorts.
  • Muppet Babies, written by Garth Ennis.
  • The Roxxon Corporation.
  • Punching the living shit out of reality.
  • That New 52 smell.
  • Gleek, possessed by The Phoenix Force.
  • The sauna at the Hall of Justice.
  • Being stuck in a pocket dimension, fighting Ragnarok endlessly forever and ever.
  • Fin Fang Foom.
  • Warlock infecting the cat with the Technovirus. Again.
  • Nipples on the Batsuit.
  • The Siege Perilous.
  • Shawarma.
  • Krakoa, The Living Island.
  • Jonah Hex’s moisturizer.
  • Assistant Editors’ Month.
  • Demon in a Bottle.
  • Knitting a toboggan for Hector Hammond.
  • The cost of insurance in Earth-616 Manhattan.
  • Keanu Reeves.
  • The penetrating stare of Alan Moore.
  • David Ogden Stiers as The Martian Manhunter.
  • The Rob Liefeld pouches. Yes. All of them.
  • The Christian Bale Batman voice.
  • Sabretooth watching Beaches and crying at the end.
  • The fact Speedball going all goth and self-harmy was ever considered to be a good idea.
  • That weird dream about Captain Carrot you had and never told anyone about.
  • Sentinels made out of gingerbread.
  • Walt Simonson’s amazing sound effects.
  • A zombie apocalypse crossover set in the Star Comics Universe.
  • Jughead, Herald of Galactus.

    • Black Cards:

  • My mutant ability? It’s _________.
  • Holy _________, Batman!
  • Marvel’s next huge crossover is going to be called The Infinity ________.
  • I would argue that _________ would kill Wolverine once and for all.
  • It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s __________.
  • If I were to join the Legion of Super-Heroes, I would be called __________ Lad/Lass.
  • My first appearance was in Giant-Size ________ #1.
  • The weirdest fanfic I’ve ever read was about __________ and ___________ “getting to know one another.”
  • I could have been in the Justice League. But then they found out about my past with _________.
  • The Occupy Genosha movement failed largely because of __________.
  • I was doing just fine in the Danger Room until ____________.
  • Number one power people wish they had? Flight. Number two choice? The ability to control _______ with their minds.
  • Listen, everyone was in All-Star Squadron. That includes Captain __________, ___________ Man and Your Mom.
  • When I got hit with the Scarecrow’s fear gas, I was overwhelmed by imaginary ____________.
  • Telepaths can’t get at my thoughts. I wear a helmet lined with __________.
  • My power ring has no effect on __________.
  • The person to my right is a Skrull. You want proof? ____________. Case closed.
  • What the hell is behind Nick Fury’s eyepatch anyway?
  • __________ is basically my red kryptonite.
  • Silver Age Batman would pull some crazy shit out of his utility belt. Do you remember the Bat-________?
  • It was radiation exposure which turned me into ___________, the Living __________.
  • And Hulk? _________.

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