So…many people are complaining that Merida, the heroine from Pixar’s Brave, has been given a sparkly makeover that robs her of her awesome hair, her bow and arrow, and her draw (no pun intended) as an animated role model for female children everywhere.
I, on the other hand, ask this: why stop there? I see this as an opportunity for Disney to clean house. Many of their character designs are, like Merida, simply not optimized to move product. Since even Pixar appears to be more focused on making money than they were in the past, we’d like to take this opportunity to offer up merely a smattering of the brilliant marking-enhancing-synergy-snorting ideas we can bring to the table. Our rates are reasonable.
Baloo from The Jungle Book. According to Wikipedia, which is always right, Baloo was a Sloth Bear. Now I’m not sure who had the bright idea to crossbreed sloths and bears make an animal in the first place, much less make a character out of one. Because who wants to buy stuff based on a hybrid, fun songs or not? No, for a bear you’ve got to make the new and improved Baloo either a panda or a koala. I know what you’re thinking: they don’t have either animal in India. But hey, kids these days don’t give a damn about geography. So who cares?
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IMPROVED!
Doc from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. As for Doc? Seriously: it’s 2013. He needs to get Lazik already. Then shave the beard and lose that cap. And that happy go lucky nature…he needs to lose that, then brood a lot.
IMPROVED!
Flounder from The Little Mermaid. Flounders are overfished. A more responsible alternative would be a catfish. We can still call him Flounder, of course. Who will know the difference?
IMPROVED!
Carl Fredricksen from Up. Seriously, the Spencer Tracy thing was cute, but I think we don’t even need to Grecian Formula the hair…we don’t need contact lenses…we just need to get him in better shape with a better attitude. And if you must still keep the cane, then use a higher quality tennis ball…Dunlop or something.
IMPROVED!
The Genie from Aladdin. The Genie appears to be around a #0183FD in color. Somewhere in there. But having consulted My Perfect Color, one of the better selling shades of blue is Benjamin Mooreâ„¢ 1657 Niagara Falls, which is #75A0B0. So update his color scheme and I’m sure you’ll sell more of…whatever it is you’re selling with him on it.
IMPROVED!
Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. Listen up, Disney. It’s simple. If you increase the flame output, you get Flame Attack Battle LumiereTM. Are you with me? I bet you are.
IMPROVED!
Winnie the Pooh. The whole overweight cuddly bear thing…that’s so 1977. “Oh bother?” My arse. What you want is a more realistic, grittier sort of Hundred Acre Wood that kids these days can understand.
IMPROVED!
There you go, Disney. And that’s just for starters. Call me. Let’s make some money.
