Wayhomer Review #79: Conan the Barbarian (2011)

I cannot wait to see you in person and hear more about this “boobs” and “evil women” and “balance.” Because I’m thinking it’ll be hysterical AND there will be wonderful jazz hands.

(and I was worried about Momoa (Mo-ma) – good to know he didn’t suck!)

Thanks Widge, very funny! Saw a double feature today with this and Fright Night. Unfortunately, this movie suffered because it was the second one behind a very awesome turn by David Tennant as a Criss Angel fakey in Fright Night. Would watch that movie again just for him.

I agree with you that the wheels fell off at the end. I also felt after young Conan took down more than 5 warriors in the beginning he should have been curb stomping the competition he faced. The sand ninja seen I think was the most entertaining.

The reviewer Rob Vaux, got it exactly right. I am getting tired of people saying that this piece of crap more accurately reflects Howards Conan then the 1982 version. Wrong. So wrong it is unbelievable.
The one scene in this movie that reflects Robert Howards Conan is about 45 seconds to a minute of the tavern scene. Before Conans pirate friend gets up and starts praising him, that is where authenticity ends. Oh and also, Conan willingly submitting to being arrested???? Huh…… The Conan I remember would have left those fags writhing on the floor in their own entrails before allowing himself to be chained, and still have tracked down the damn noseless guy.
Why is the tavern scene the most authentic ?, It shows the gigantic mirth Howard gave his creation. Conan swilling wine (in this case mead) arm wrestling, and full chested wenches hanging on him. That is Conan. Conan is not a hero, he is an anti-hero. An existentialist, he cares nothing but for living life to the fullest. I dont ever recall Conan liberating slaves out of some moral objection to the practice. Matter of fact the only time I remember Conan doing anything moral was completely incidental. He acted out of his own self interest, for profit, survival, or to nail that really hot chick. That is Conan. The line ” I live, I love, I slay and I am content “, originally comes from the story ‘ Queen of the Black Coast ‘ and is a rare moment of introspection for Conan in that story, or any story. It is delivered during a conversation regarding life, religion and what does it all mean, and is a perfect definition of Conan as an existentialist character. He wants only for the sting of the rich juices of red meat and wine and the soft bodies and soft caresses of women, not to mention the thrill and blood lust of combat. Unfortunately that line is delivered with so much wood out of Momoa it becomes a joke, instead of defining the character.(which it actually does because the character in this movie is a joke). The fact that they tried to give Conan a personality once or twice in this film, doesnt make it more authentic to Howards creation.I almost feel a degree of sympathy for the actors in this film, because the writing is so bad, no one could pull this off. The dialogue throughout this film, including Ron Perlman trying to lay down some philosophy regarding how bad ass the Cimmerians are, doesnt help either. Instead of taking place in an age undreamed of, it sounds more like a bunch of half educated teenagers hanging out at the freaking mall, or going larping for fucks sake. Which is obviously the demographic the makers of this movie were hoping to swindle out of their parents money. To quote the great James Earl Jones ( Thulsa Doom)
” What a waste”.

Uh…I think you’re not only confusing Robert E. Howard with Edgar Rice Burroughs, but you’re obviously confusing Edgar Rice Burroughs with William S. Burroughs.