So this weekend we get a prequel/reboot/thing for Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes. And I’m uncertain how I feel about it, based on the trailers, as we’ve discussed in multiple podcasts by this point. However, it did get me thinking–and you know that’s always a dangerous thing. We have plans in place in case of zombies. We have plans in place in case of Skynet. We even have given some thought to when animals rise up and start kicking some ass. But do we actually have a Rise of the Apes sort of plan? In other words, what if non-human simian creatures got even smarter than they are and decided to whup some ass?
If we’ve learned anything from Batman it’s to know who to keep tabs on. So for your easy planning purposes, we’ve devoted some skull sweat to identifying ten simians that you should definitely keep track of. Because if Apes ever do actually rise, we expect these to throw their lot in with them. Stay vigilant.
10. Monsieur Mallah. This is a gorilla who takes the following to its logical conclusion:
Because Mallah is a gorilla who uses guns. Often. So just when the Apes start rising and figuring out how to use our tools against us, here’s a gorilla that can step up and give them a crash course in automatic weapons. So how perfect is that? Perfectly lethal. Eddie tried to warn you.
9. Gleek & 8. Chim-Chim. Yes, there’s nothing more annoying than comic relief monkeys. How many times did their antics fail to impress you, even when you were six or seven? Whatever dramatic tension allowed in the cartoons back then was dissipated easily by one group ending with everyone guffawing. Again. This was all to prepare you for the disappointment of a world run by simians. The only reason Chim-Chim scores higher on the list than Gleek is that so far there hasn’t been a live action Gleek in a feature film. Granted, Gleek has had an Alex Ross painted version of himself…but still, he’s trumped by the monkey hiding in the trunk.
7. Curious George. Oh yes, he seems cute, but really his curiosity is a precursor of Apes learning about human culture in order to better subvert it. He’s been working for the other side for decades. And when he gets a bit too stressed out working undercover like that, he just has a bit of ether. Why not, right? Yeah. The only other people wearing lots of yellow who spring to mind work for The Crimson King. Don’t trust George.
6. King Louie. Yes, as I mentioned before when I singled out King Louie as an untrustworthy talking animal, King Louie wants fire. He wants weapons so he can be like mankind. But throw an Ape uprising into the mix and he’ll get his wish. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wound up becoming the simian equivalent of The Trashcan Man.
5. The Ultra-Humanite. Now I realize that the Ultra-Humanite is not always a giant albino gorilla and is, in fact, a man who has transferred his brain into an albino gorilla (even though technically humans are simians and thus eligible for the list). But you think the Apes will care, especially if U.H. throws his lot in with them, knowing humanity is screwed? You put that much scientific advancement at the disposal of renegade-already-intelligent Apes and there are going to be Issues.
4. Beppo. So it’s a monkey. But it’s a monkey with Superman‘s powers, for crying out loud. A Kryptonian monkey. And no matter how you slice it, he’s bad news. Give him the golden age powers of Superman and he’s uber-strong and fast as hell. Give him even the modern powers and what, you think Batmonkey is going to don some armor and take him down for you? I don’t think so. Hell, you could even get electrically powered Red Beppo and Blue Beppo and we’d still be screwed. Maybe you could fend him off with a green plantain, making him think it’s a banana injected with kryptonite. But for how long? FOR HOW LONG?
3. Shift the Ape. – Yes, the ambitious ape from Narnia’s The Last Battle. We’re talking about a character who helped transform a delightful series of fantasy novels into The Adventures of Jesus Lion. While in his particular universe he brought about armageddon and the coming of what’s essentially the Antichrist, I think what he did in our universe has done the most damage, honestly. Couldn’t find an image of him. Described as: “The most wrinkled and ugly ape you can imagine â€” and when dressed in human clothes, ten times uglier.”
2. Donkey Kong. An unlimited arsenal of barrels, springs and other items…give him a damsel in distress and the high ground and he can rain chaos down on the human defenders. Can you see James Franco leaping over barrels? Me neither. And as I was refreshing my memory about Donkey Kong vs. Jr. vs. the other characters in the Kong family, it seems to me that the whole confusion about who is whose grandfather/nephew/whatever…it’s all a ruse. It’s a freaking Kong family army, is what it is. And what about King Kong? Well, King Kong is fictional. Everybody knows that. Let’s not get silly about this.
And the #1 simian you really need to be wary of:
1. That freaking monkey with the cymbals. Yeah, you know which one I’m talking about. There’s a reason why this has been used as a symbol (no pun intended) of malevolence for decades. Because it’s just creepy as hell. And depending on which version you have, when it bangs its cymbals together, something dies. Or it could handle the surveillance for the rising Ape Nation. Either way, if you have one of these in your house…what’s wrong with you, anyway?
Did we miss one? Do you disagree? Do you already have an Ape plan? Tell us in the comments.