Have you ever wondered if there were more three-boob alien prostitute movies besides Total Recall? Well, you’re in luck!
When reading the description on Netflix for Vicious Lips, I got excited! I got so excited because I thought that finally I was going to get a live-action Jem. Not just that–I thought that I was going to get Jem—in space!
The premise for the movie is that an unknown space-glam-rock-all-girl-band gets their “big break” to play at a very well-known venue, “Radioactive Dreams,” on the other side of the Galaxy. The only catch? It’s on the other side of the galaxy, they need a ride, and a new lead singer. Doesn’t it sound awesome? I mean…look at the movie poster!
No, no wait. Just wait. Wait right here, because this is where I dash your hopes and warn you–even though no one warned me. No, you don’t get Jem in space! Not even close! Instead, you get a movie that was good only for the first twenty-six minutes.
Honestly, the only thing keeping me watching this was the thought of the awesome nap I was going to have afterward…that, and random boobies.
[ad#longpost]The potential of this movie to be awesome lays only in the first 26 of 120 minutes (according to NetFlix and 94 according to IMDB); the rest is a complete let down! I feel cheated! Not only cheated out of my time, but cheated out of the opportunity to finally get a glam-rock-girl-band-in-space-movie that could have been outstanding!
What did I get beyond the 26 minutes of awesome? 94 minutes of talking, talking, bitching, whining, more talking, a crazy psycho-killer who doesn’t kill anyone, catty women bitching, cannibals that don’t eat anyone, more talking while taking drugs, and then I’m told, “it’s all a dream!” This when at no freaking point does anyone get knocked out or placed in some sort of “dream device” causing an explanation for this “magical dream state?!!?” If I owned the DVD I would have taken it outside and run over it with my car.
Why did you have to mess around with a good idea and go all “post-modern” (in a way that doesn’t make any sense but we will call it post-modern because that’s easy shorthand for “what the hell just happened, I did a bunch of acid and finished writing the rest of this script, but people will totally get it” plot), Albert Pyun? Why? Really: Why?
Albert Pyun, you brought me cult classics like Mean Guns with Ice-T and Christopher Lambert! You gave us all the gift that is The Sword and the Sorcerer in all its three-bladed sword fighting glory! You birthed the glory that is Cyborg, the 1990 Captain America, the 1989 Journey to the Center of the Earth, Arcade (Yes, the one with Seth Green!), and Alien From L.A. with Kathy Ireland! Why did you have to give us this?
The opening neon-sign font, and knowing that a band called DRock composed the amazing glam-rock score “Reach For Your Dreams,” is just a taste at how awesome this movie could have been. In fact, all of the music in this movie is pretty good. In fact, I would probably buy the soundtrack if the quickly degenerating plot didn’t want me make to kill something.
Geez, in the first few minutes of the movie opening you get: (1) a greased up guy in a tunic, (2) A guy committing suicide because his band can’t perform at the highly valued “Radioactive Dreams” club and venue, (3) creepy monologue by “Radioactive Dreams” club and venue owner Maxine (Mary-Anne Graves)–who looks like a cross between Cruella De Vil and Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner when she’s just about to die, (4) a wholesome “Trudy Jetson” hand-picked from a high school talent show to be the lead singer of Vicious Lips since the sudden death of former lead singer Ace Lucas, and (5) RANDOM THREE-BOOB ALIEN PROSTITUTE! All, my dear friends, in the first seven minutes in!
How awesome is that? Seriously!
Then, it gets better with its “Oh, my God it’s full of 80s music video” cut scenes that go on and on and on. Plus, weird neon glowing guitars whose struts look like a honey dipper. You know, that thing you use to scoop honey out of a jar with–no, not a spoon!
I even squealed! And I don’t squeal very often! Yet I did when I found out that the space-transport the band manager, Matty (Anthony Kentz) stole had, according to the crew of the space station, an “ultra-violent-deranged-serial-killer” in the cargo hold! Not the mention the icing on the cake: where you learn that if you ask where your spacecraft is of a female space station crew member, you get verbally bitch slapped!
I mean, I don’t know about you–but I wouldn’t find it very pleasant to be called a “mondo-sucking-maggot-licking-slut-slug.” I would be offended. Wouldn’t you?
At this point in the film we start to get closer to the end of the wonderful first twenty minutes of awesome. We even get warned folks! We get warned that this move is going to suck!
First, we find out they are going to the “forbidden zone.” Warning. Then, we get close-ups of a star map that the Manager, now pilot, can’t read. Warning number two! Finally, we get several warnings from the space-transport itself, which reads, across a red LED display: “Warning! Warning something is coming! Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!!! Warning!!! A BIG FUCKING ROCK IS COMING!!!”
So, just as the space-transport tells the band members of Vicious Lips, “Aloha,” so should you to this movie. The wonderful twenty-six minutes of glory have ended.
Feel free to stick around and watch the movie to hear the one good quote of “Just because I’m the only man here doesn’t mean I have to play a hero with big balls,” and to see more boobies at 50 minutes in along with 55 minutes in (twice) from the hottest sand people I’ve ever seen.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t say I didn’t tell you to turn it off at “Aloha!”
If you really want to make yourself suffer, please check out Vicious Lips on NetFlix, or buy it from here because the only thing you can buy on Amazon is the movie poster.
Phew, thank God: my mental purge of this film is done. Aloha to you, Vicious Lips. Also, as a side note, at no freaking point do the ladies in this film look anything like the poster!
Written & Directed by: Albert Pyun
Cast: Dru-Anne Perry (Episode of Matlock), Gina Calabrese (Pirates), Linda Kerridge (Alien From L.A. and Down Twisted), Shayne Farris (Down Twisted), Anthony Kentz, Christian Andrews (Bloodmatch), Mary-Anne Graves, and more.
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 94 minutes according to IMDB.com and 120 According to Netflix
Average Film Rating: 5.6 out of 10
Bad B-Movie Rating: Not Listed
Bob-o-Meter Rating: My Eyes!!!… Why!?… Mehâ€¦ Goodâ€¦ Greatâ€¦Yes!â€¦Badassâ€¦ Awesomeâ€¦ Holy Shit, Man!