Widge barges into my office here in our underwater lair off the coast of Iowa. He’s in a panic. Not that unusual, he probably thinks Skynet is trying to play Missile Command for real or something. Especially when he comes in screaming “We’re all doomed!”

I responded, “What now?”

“Send out a bulletin! Send out an alert! Mankind is doomed! Doomed, I say!”

I already thought that slapping someone to calm them down was a cliche, but it really works.

Now that Widge had come to his senses (as close as Widge can get), he hands me a printout of this article. I admit I was a little concerned, especially with a headline like “STUDY: MASTURBATION CAUSES CANCER”

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][ad#longpost]It seems that a study shows that young men who masturbate a great deal are at greater risk of prostate cancer. But being a short article, I decided to do a little research. I found a more detailed article on WedMD.

The article says that studies suggest that there is a correlation between 20 something men who masturbate a lot (between 2 and 7 times a week) and certain kinds of colon cancer. On the flip side, older men in the 50’s actually have a lower chance of getting cancer if they engage in single player action. Of course, like most articles trying to scare you into reading them, the caveat is near the end.

“These are just theories, Dr. Dimitropoulou warns. More research is needed to determine the exact role of sex hormones and sexual activity in prostate-cancer risk at different stages of life.”

In other words, we could be wrong. Don’t you love how newspaper articles and TV news reports always have that near the end while the “We’re all gonna die!” is front and center? Still, I don’t mind. I can get another chance to smack Widge again.

Ministry of Naughty Bits Seal