We know that you’re a busy guy these days. You know, working on the Sin City movies we presume, and The Spirit, and every ten months or so writing a really terrible issue of The Goddamn Batman. And now you want to do a sequel to 300. Well, as has been pointed out on more than one occasion, this is tricky, since, you know, you killed practically every major character and a few thousand minor ones.
Many others have tried to puzzle this out and failed. Gladiator 2 was looked at, as the Variety article mentions, and if I remember correctly they were going to try and do something with the Djimon Hounsou character. I, Too, Am Legend is also mentioned as something they’re like to have but I think the world just rather we actually get an adaptation of the book this time rather than, you know, a turd. Even a sequel to Titanic was discussed with Kathy Bates on another ocean liner–originally popped up on Corona as the one real page in a sea of April Fools jokes.
So look, Frank, we know it’s hard. Therefore we’ve decided to put our Hollywood caps on–the ones that harmlessly disconnect a good 76% of our neurons–and help you out. We humbly present these ideas that we hurriedly scratched down onto a napkin.
[ad#longpost]301. It seems obvious, but the one major character left standing is the Queen. So she and the other widows of Sparta, who we’ve already established are badasses in their own right, now have to take up the fight.
3002. It’s the far flung future and aliens have decided to invade. There’s nothing left for mankind to do but take some DNA from King Leonidas and his men and grow more Spartas. A crapload more.
275. The prequel starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a young Leonidas, getting sand kicked in his face until he became king.
300! The Musical. Susan Stroman directs with a score by Elton John and Tim Rice.
300 II: We Dined in Hell and It Was Delicious. I think this speaks for itself.
300 High. The long Hollywood tradition of taking a classic story and transplanting it to a modern high school with teenagers played by actors in their mid-twenties.
300: The Next Generation. Leonidas had a son, right? Awwww yeah.
300: Sparta Harder. We don’t know how, but Greece raises the Spartans from the dead to fight the Nazis in World War II. You know, that actually sounds pretty sweet.
3000 Arthur C. Clarke style. A mad computer, the SPARTA 3000, is the only defense left in a post-apocalyptic earth.
Missives From 300. The story told from the Persian perspective. Alternate title: Leonidas’ Shadow.
Sparta Babies! Animated show about the hijinks that ensue with Leonidas and his comrades as toddlers. Sort of like Rugrats but with more bloodshed.
Leonidas Jr. and the Teen Spartans. Animated weekday version of the Next Generation idea.
Beyond Return to Underneath 300: The Escape. We have no idea what this is. Not one fucking clue.
And last but not least: 600. That one might actually work.
We state here for the record that, because of the Law of Relative Development, no matter how absurd these ideas might seem, they have actually seriously crossed an executive’s mind. We are Not. Kidding. Cosette, Ken and I cogitated upon this much.
Thank you for that. That was funny as hell. And a part of me died inside at the same time.
cailement: Excellent. Because that’s what the site is all about: splintering your soul and making you laugh about it.
Haha! Ow. Oooow.
Oh, and I’m taking the “We dined in Hell and it was delicious” line from you. Forcibly, if necessary.
I give it freely, my friend. Use it in good health and torment others with it.
I love the idea for “300: Sparta Harder.” The Nazis were totally gung ho for the Spartans, in fact, making them out to be the ancient Greek forebears of the Aryans and what not. And let’s not forget the eugenics and exterminating “defective” children. Sadly, Hollywood execs are too clueless to tap this rich vein of irony. So, alas, this sequel will exist only in our imaginations.
Here’re two more sequel suggestions, if I may: “Ocean’s 300”–in which Danny Ocean enlists the Spartans’ help with the gang’s next caper (and where one of the warriors might remark that Brad Pitt’s character bears a striking resemblance to Achilles); and “300 88”–a reference to my Stone Mountain (GA) zip code, just so’s I can hear Leonides say, “This… is… MARTA!!!” (You might have to be a local to appreciate the second one, but suffice it to say it would depict how they train [insert groan here]…)
Eric: Both of those are awesome, sir. Ocean’s 300 is genius. And I live in Atlanta. I’m surprised I haven’t seen that MARTA!!! idea used here locally. But then again, I never leave the Cave.
Ack! Please ignore the duplicate comment–my computer tricked me into thinking that the first one had not been received/posted. Mea culpa.
Eric: No worries…on this site, we control the vertical. The horizontal. We also control the diagonal. And the color violet.
Widge: So noted. And thank you kindly for the kudos. Keep up the sexcellent work, and I’ll see y’all at Dragon*Con!
If you think about it, historically speaking, Sparta did send out their full army after they got news of the Kings death, they could easily do a film about that?