Well, it’s come to our attention that some of our readers may need help buying something for their moms for this coming Mother’s Day. However, since everybody else can easily throw together a shopping guide filled with pink things and bunnies and flowers and shit, we thought we would approach it from a different angle.
We’ve assembled a list of things you probably shouldn’t buy the old Momster. Now, there are exceptions to every rule. Just bear in mind we’ve tried to keep a general mind about this, so if you bought one of these things and you know it’s perfect, please don’t let us dissuade you. Just please film her reaction if it goes wrong. And send it. We promise we won’t share it with anybody.
Ahem. So here we go. In no particular order…
Faces of Death. The forbidden taboo films that you would eventually get somebody to rent back in high school so you could all sit around and watch? Yeah, not exactly the kind of retro you would want to remind her of. At least these are probably the least of the worrisome VHS bootlegs she found in your closet.
John Dillinger’s Manhood. While at some point during your college years it might have been amusing to leave this lying around as a conversation piece, or do that party trick where you’re using it like a telephone, honestly, the joke’s gotten old. And besides, Snopes says it wasn’t all that in the first place.
A Very Large Tesla Coil. Now we’re not saying that this wouldn’t be cool as all hell, but let’s face it: you’re not really buying it for her, are you?
A Computerized Toilet. You’ve seen these things. They’re like the Rolls Royce of commodes. I saw one at a home show recently and it scared the crap out of me, albeit not literally. The words “toilet” and “oscillate” should never be in the same sentence. Your mom would agree. Besides, when Skynet hits, it would be embarrassing as hell to find out your mom got killed by a toilet. Think about it.
The Unabridged Les Miserables. Ninety pages about Waterloo. Ninety pages! Sweet rumpled baby Jesus, Vic. Give it a rest. Get her the abridged pamphlet version if you must.
Yanni CDs. Just remember: there’s soft jazz. And then there’s flaccid jazz.
Star Trek Erotic Slashfic of Any Kind. Even if your mom is very liberally minded, there’s no way that she (or anyone else sane for that matter) could enjoy erotic descriptions of Klingon head ridges. Please do not try to debate this with us.
Bronzed Llama Kidneys. Same reason as the Tesla coil above.
Anything That Won the Turner Prize. Unless you and she are planning to take it out back and perforate it with shotguns or light it on fire, then this is way out. Be aware there’s also the added danger that the destruction of the piece could be construed as performance art.
Decaf. This is the woman who brought you into the world. Show some goddamn respect.