Jim Henson was a genius. He created characters so cool that not even his family has been able to ruin them after his death. Yes, I must be speaking of The Muppets.

And while many of us would have given someone else's left arm to be related to The Jim, from what I've heard, apparently his kids Brian and Lisa didn't want the baton that had been passed to them.

Incredulously, The Muppets have been an albatross around their neck for some time now. The pressure to Carry On from where their father left off has been stifling to them, so much so that in a fit of bad judgement, they recently sold The Muppets--lock, stock the fucking lot--to Disney.

And for what? A chance to turn Henson into a production company that can make Brian's Films (whatever the hell those are)? A three-year deal to be a contractor for Muppet stuff--and afterwards Henson gets no say whatsoever in their father's legacy. Let me say that again: after three years they get no say whatsoever.

And let's face it: Disney under Eisner is no place for the product of a creative genius. We don't need to rehash what this means because we can see the products of one creative genius being turned to shit in Eisner's hands. You guessed right: I'm talking about the namesake of the freaking company. That's why you can get Home on the Range in cinemas but the $6 million Three Musketeers which features Name Brand Disney characters is going to wind up going direct to video. And that's why they're strip mining their heritage in order to create loathsome pieces of shit like Cinderella 2 and Lion King 2 and Lion King 1.5 and, and, and...ad nauseum.

(Aside: couldn't resist to point out that they're not exactly shining outside of Disney creations either--why does Russell Crowe feel better about Master and Commander and Ron Howard feel better about The Missing? Because they can at least say, "Whew, at least I got out of The Alamo." That film was a failure of Pluto Nashian proportions.)

Anyway, so Disney: great place to throw Kermit and Fozzie, guys. You should have just fed their felt and fleece bodies to wolverines. It would have been quicker and cleaner.

Well, apparently reality is starting to seep in at Henson; again, so I've heard.

Word is they're beginning to realize they've basically whored out Jim Henson's most lasting creation to a nightmare factory that doesn't even know what to do with it. Oh sure, Muppet Wizard of Oz--but believe that when you see it. Oh yeah, and didn't they already do that during the Muppets Go to the Movies specials during the 70s?

Anyway, let's not even mention the fact that no one within Disney, according to Jim Hill Media, seems to think The Muppets are worth a damn, and worse, that they're thirty years past their shelf life.

Just take a look at this past weekend's Nick and Jessica trainwreck. A three-minute segment on a shitty variety show with Piggy, Kermit and Pepe is supposed to be the yardstick by which Disney/ABC decides how viable the Muppets are. This on a show where they're billed below Mr. T and Kenny Rogers. What's the most The Muppets can hope for? To live on as a three-minute segment if this atrocity gets picked up for the fall? Jesus Christ, make the bad men stop.

But now...it's not even the whole realization that Jim's creation is getting shafted by Disney that will get to Henson. From a practical standpoint, it's the stupidest move they could have possibly made. Because without Muppets, what have they got?

Seriously, think about it. Two seasons of The Storyteller? The Dark Crystal? Labyrinth? Even Mirrormask, geek Pavlov's bell that it is, isn't going to generate a load of lasting cash like The Muppets. The Muppets has always been the safety net of Henson. Need some quick cash? Let's get The Muppets to do a commercial. Or some TV special. Or shit, something, anything.

Now they've got dick. You think you can get Hoggle from Labyrinth to shill for Dominos? Hell no.

So perhaps Henson is getting cold feet and perhaps they can bow out of the deal with Disney before it goes too far.

But you know what...who cares? The slow lingering nightmare of shitty sequels and bad merchandise from Disney or the slow lingering entropy of life at Henson--it's six in one, half dozen in the other as far as The Muppets go. I'd personally rather see them dead than living some kind of half-life.

But hey, if you want a scenario to salivate over--which will never happen because it makes too much goddamn sense--here's what I would say to Brian Henson, had I the chance. Let's assume Lisa's at lunch or something.

"Hey, Brian. Donut? Oh, well, more for me.

"Listen. So you're sick of being the caretaker of your father's legacy. You know what? So what. That doesn't mean you chunk the whole thing out the window. You have the opportunity so few of us get: you can have your cake and Edith too. You can be keeper of your father's legacy and make legions of fans praise your name and get the chance to strike out and do your own stuff. Here's how.

"Retain ownership of The Muppets. But that doesn't mean sit on your ass and whine about it. Bring in someone to do the creative things that you and your folks are incapable of doing or just unwilling to do because you can't comprehend the potential you're sitting on.

"But seriously: people, some I know personally, would love to take that albatross and run with it, and turn it into gold and make a lot of that gold for you.

"Yes, kind of like you did with Kirk Thatcher except you'd have to actually let them do their jobs instead of stepping in and trying to fuck with everything. You have to make up your mind what it is: either it's a burden and you want nothing to do with it or you take it and run with yourself. Don't bitch and moan about something and then cradle it to your bosom making cooing noises.

"No. Instead, you call Frank Oz and you tell Frank--who's on record as wanting to direct another Muppet movie--he's got free reign. You call those people in who gave the Muppets their souls--people like Jerry Juhl--and you let them go to work. And you let them try and fix the mess you've made. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one, remember.

"Figure out a distribution deal with somebody--since Columbia-Tristar might be dried up by this point. Release the stuff in cinemas. Hell, release some stuff to DVD if you have to. But the important thing is this:

"Make good Muppet stuff...and we will buy it. We'll be so happy we'll buy two to give to friends. And happy people equals sales. And sales equals the capital that Henson Company needs to go out and do your shit, or Lisa's shit, whatever that shit might be. Hell, go and make documentaries about spontaneously combusting goldfish if that's what your heart truly desires but you don't have to piss on your father's legacy to do it. Most importantly, don't cut off your face to spite your nose: The Muppets are a gold mine waiting to happen. Just let it happen.

"And for Christ's sake, let someone else do the work of mining for you."

And as a postscript, I would walk away munching on a donut and thinking that it troubles me that I even have to explain this to the Henson kids. It seems so patently obvious.

But anyway, there--that is a scenario that would make everybody happy. Unless, of course, by some miracle John Lasseter wound up as head burrito of Disney. Then he can have all the Muppets he wants.

Be good.

=Widge