R. Lee Ermey (2001)
Figure:
Packaging:

Produced by Sideshow Toy

Features:

• Voice chip featuring eight "motivational phrases"
  
• "Semper Fi" base
  
• Sword with scabbard
  
• Obligatory hat
  

Asking Price: US$40.00.

My Advice: Own It.

Denis Leary once was afraid of a Darth Vader coin bank that his kids owned, because it malfunctioned and started talking to him in the middle of the night. A renegade toy with James Earl Jones' voice has nothing on R. Lee Ermey. Some people have been wondering why there's been a veritable slew of Needcoffee updates recently. Well, if you had a twelve-inch "motivational doll" (as this monster is billed) in your collection, you'd get off your ass and type faster too. Five minutes on my shelf and it already had all the other toys doing push ups. Never in all my days have I owned a toy that made me feel worthless. But today is that day.

Truly twisted in every way, the packaging tells you immediately what you're in for. "Push my button, you slimebag!" Ermey shouts from the box. It's rated R because it uses offensive language. It has a filmography on the side as well as Ermey's biography. My personal favorite: on the back, a "Certificate of Lack of Motivation" with a place for your name and an Ermey signature. For those that care about such things, you've got to undo a bunch of twisties and cut a piece of string to let Ermey out of his box (which pretty much gets torn up like those supposedly easy-to-open cereal boxes). Me, I was glad of this--imagine if the damn thing were to get loose before you were ready for it to. Scary.

The sculpt is scary too, because it's so damn good. The specifics of his uniform are pretty detailed, from the medals, to the stripes on the sleeves. Nice and intricate, you gotta like that. As far as articulation goes, it's pretty extensive: ankles, knees, hips, waist, shoulders, elbows and wrists. And the head turns. So it's easy to pose it in whatever menacing stance you wish, although it's hard as hell to get him to stand up on his own two feet--especially on the base, which is a little small. It almost needs one of those stands in back. But then again, I can barely stand up on my own two feet, so who am I to talk?

As far as the features go, the obvious selling point of this figure is the fact that it, well, shouts at you. You think it's loud when sampling the audio while it's still in the box, but this thing takes the cake. Eight different messages are there to kick your butt, including my favorite: "You just pushed my button again, you sorry sack a' shit!" Priceless.

Sure, it's pricey. But for a friend in the military, especially one with ties to the marines, this makes an excellent gift. And for the rest of us non-military types, it's just too sick to turn down. Very impressive.