7 Safety Tips For Dealing With Derren Brown

Derren Brown is a British (what I like to call at least) “mentalist.” You might have seen the mindgrope he performed on Simon Pegg or the even more popular video where he put a guy into a zombie video game.

Basically, he’s a very, very scary man. He’s one step away from being an X-Men villain. In fact, he could be a villain right now…and could we trust ourselves to remember him taking over the world? I don’t think so.

Anyway, I’ve watched everything the man’s put out in the UK except for his latest series. That’s right, all the shows, all the specials, everything. And I’ve decided that I should put my knowledge of Derren to good use. Because he scares the living bejeesus out of me. And he should scare the same right out of you, too. So we must prepare ourselves.

Therefore, here are my 7 Safety Tips for Dealing With Derren Brown. I’ve tried to add video notations where necessary so I can stress the urgency of taking me seriously. Well. Kinda.

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1. Don’t Deal With Derren Brown.

This should be patently obvious. But considering blogs write up patently obvious things every single day, put them in lists, and publish them, then get mad hits and Diggification off of them–eh, to hell with it. But basically if you’re around him, he can mess with your head. He can get you to do things you wouldn’t normally do and think nothing of it. So if you see him coming, your best bet is to just walk the other direction. That’s not guaranteed, because that could be exactly what he wants. If so, then you’re fucked.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

2. Don’t Go to the United Kingdom.

This isn’t 100% foolproof, mind you. He does come to the States every now and again. But for the most part he seems content to screw with the minds of our friends across the pond. For all we know he’s really running the place over there, because how could we prove otherwise? Granted, if you’re already in the UK, then this tip is fairly problematic: you should either leave, or you’re fucked.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

3. If You Suddenly Find Yourself in the UK, and Derren Approaches, Don’t Look at Him.

Looking at him has been known to, in the right circumstances, make you queasy, uneasy, and generally feeling right terrified. If he catches your gaze, whether as part of a “staring competition” or not, then you’re fucked. See this bonus bit to understand that you might not even see him coming. So…well, you’re fucked either way, aren’t you?

Direct link for the feedreaders.

4. If You Cannot Escape Him, Do Not Let Him Touch You.

Apparently his very touch can really make some wild things happen in your brain, as evidenced in this clip below, which is probably the scariest thing I’ve seen him pull off. If he touches you, even in the most seemingly innocent way, then you’re fucked.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

5. If He Manages to Touch You, At Least Keep Him From Taking Hold of Your Wrist.

If you think him just touching you is bad, then if he takes hold of your wrist, then he is about to work the Serious Mojo on you. If Derren was an action figure, Serious Mojo would be his accessory. I have no idea what it would look like, but it would strike fear into the hearts of your other toys. And make them think they were monkeys. When he’s got your wrist, that’s when he starts saying specific things and specific triggers that could do something seemingly innocent (like with dude below) or turn you into a Manchurian Candidate, a puppet doing only his bidding. If he takes hold of your wrist, you’re fucked.

6. If He Manages to Take Hold of Your Wrist, For the Love of Baby Jesus Don’t Let Him Put Your Hand Over Your Face.

Okay, I know that sounds weird, but Derren can apparently put people “under” in two seconds flat. It can be compared to sticking a chicken’s head under its wing. You go right out. Now, I’m not exactly sure what fu you would need to stop him from putting your hand over your face at this point, since he does have control of your wrist (and thus the rest of you). I don’t even have a “Keep your hand at the level of your eyes” idea, because naturally, that’s just a shorter distance to put said hand over your eyes and boom. So just bear in mind at this point, you’re fucked.

(Note: Couldn’t find a video of this. Funny how this has no documentation to be found easily, doesn’t it? HMMMM?)

7. Even If He Doesn’t Touch You, Don’t Let Him Not Touch You Either.

Yes, this again seems patently obvious, but he’s cunning. You might keep him from touching you or grabbing your wrist, but don’t think you’re in the clear. He might be setting you up for something even more diabolical. He might want you to think you’re fine, but then, naturally, you’re fucked. Of course, this assumes he’ll let you run away.

Direct link for the feedreaders.

So that’s it, sports fans. Your best bet is just to stay places where he is not and go nowhere near him in the first place. When his Starro-like takeover of the world happens (assuming it hasn’t already), then you’ll be the few folks able to hold out until his zombie hordes come and crush you in your hidden lair. Of course, until then it’s not safe to pick up the phone (since he can put you to sleep over the line) and it’s not even safe to play video games (re: the zombie game), so your best bet is to stay in your bunker and read Needcoffee. We promise to stay as mind control free as possible. Unless he makes us a really good deal. But until then, you’re safe with us. Well. Mostly.

• Buy Derren Brown stuff from Amazon UK. Maybe that will appease him and keep him at bay.

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